The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Big Mistake, Huge

This week on our favorite program Rich Women Doing Things, the rich women did things, but separately. They rented a jet to Las Vegas and then put personalized goodie bags in everyone’s seats. They bought a whole bunch of pink crystals to celebrate the pink moon and hope that it will infuse their whole lives with the energy of abundance. They said that they were not in sync with their husbands, and for a minute, we all wondered, “Wait, is one of these rich women married to Joey Fatone?”

Yes, this episode seemed a little bit disjointed. It was more like a premiere episode, where we check in on each of the women and their home situations and then gather them together at the end. And we’re launching into a trip episode two, which means we’ll be in Vegas for at least two more episodes, and the new girl is still nowhere in sight. We’re going to be well into 2024 by the time we’re even able to judge her.

We saw the least of Erika this episode, who met Dorit in a public park for a fancy picnic and to beat the dead horse, which is the Eaglewoman retreat. Dorit says she’s upset that Erika didn’t lead with an apology, to which Erika apologizes. She apologizes repeatedly. She apologizes like it’s the new patting the puss. She tells Dorit that she gave up fighting for Lent like the good Catholic girl she is and that she will do everything she can to repair their friendship because she doesn’t have any. “Where was this Erika at the retreat?” Dorit asks. Oh, you know. She just hadn’t learned empathy from her therapist yet.

The craziest detail about that lunch, though, is that Dorit was robbed for a second time. Last Christmas, she went to the bank and took out $10,000 in cash to give out as Christmas gifts. How many people is she tipping? How many people are on her staff? Is it ten, and they each get $1,000? Ten bands is a lot of cash. Anyway, she went shopping after and three men followed her, waited until she left her purse unattended and then snatched it. I’m not saying either of these things are Dorit’s fault, but what is going on here? As Oscar Wilde said, “To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune, but to lose both looks like carelessness.”

Dorit has a great conversation with Kyle as Kyle drives her in her new car, the same one Dorit has. If you’re twining in $165,000 cars, I want to punch you in your grill. Also, it’s a Range Rover Autobiography? That is the worst name for a car I’ve ever heard. What’s going to be next, the Honda Powerpoint? Sorry. I got distracted by the rich women. Anyway, Kyle is driving Dorit to lunch, and Dorit asks if everything is okay with her and Mauricio, and Kyle gets icier than Jack Frost’s Prince Albert. She’s just kind of like, Yeah, no, I just needed my space to maybe have an affair with a lesbian country singer … I mean, I just needed some space. Dorit is asking so many unanswered questions that she finally just says, “If I ever ask you something you don’t want to talk about, just tell me to shut up.” Oh, Dorit, here is a preemptive “shut up” that you can use for eternity.

But Kyle is not taking Dorit to lunch; she’s taking her to the Beverly Wilshire Hotel because PK, a broken-down RV stuck in the Burning Man mud, is going to reenact Pretty Woman for Dorit for their anniversary. Kyle beats us all to the punch and says, “Um, you want your wife to pretend to be a sex worker? Isn’t it usually the other way around?” When Dorit starts to catch on that they’re having lunch, Kyle takes her up to a room, and Dorit is freaking out about where her kids are. She’s having a full-on panic attack and says she wants to know what is going on. A producer tells her to ask Kyle. “She doesn’t know anything, Laser,” she says. Wait, what? There is a producer of Rich Women Doing Things named Laser? I need to know everything about him immediately, most of all whether or not his Instagram is public. I tried to Google “RHOBH laser,” but all that came up were various and sundried things Lisa Rinna has done to her vagina.

I totally get where Dorit is coming from. Yes, she may be a control freak, but after her home invasion, the thought of her kids being unattended must rip at her loose neurons. And she’s not getting much support from home. When they chat later, PK, a Macy’s parade balloon of Popeye’s Brutus inflated entirely with sardine farts, calls it “your PTSD thing” like it’s a new hobby of hers. He talks about it like it’s something she has some control over like she’s joining Scientology. He is not sympathetic at all.

Instead, the whole glam squad shows up with red dresses and gets her ready for the big anniversary surprise, which must be happening sometime in the late afternoon, as all good surprises do. He lets her borrow a $5 million necklace and does the snappy finger thing of closing it on her hand. She laughs and laughs, and then Berlin, the band behind iconic songs “Sex (I’m A…)” and “No More Words,” plays their most embarrassing gig every to an audience of two where only one of the people knows who they actually are. Terri Nunn deserves better.

While they eat dinner, PK, an Alka-Seltzer that tastes like pond water and bad choices, says that he’s not going to surprise her anymore because she’s too much of a control freak to enjoy it. Never remind me that I said this, but I am on PK’s side this one time. Does Dorit think he’s going to put her kids in danger? Does she think he will embarrass her on national television (at least any more than he already does)? Sister, he’s trying to do a nice thing for you.

On our tour of all the ladies, Crystal meets with her husband and brother to talk about her brother wanting to get a matchmaker because he had to break up with his fiancé during COVID. The scene is underwhelming, and, as a Crystal fan, I want better for her. Sutton is also meeting with a matchmaker, and she said she wants a man who is tall and college-educated, and we can “worry about the wealth thing later.” Sutton is always banging on about how much money she has and wants her independence. Can’t we just get her a trophy husband? Sutton should find some straight guy with abs and some bills to pay (huge D optional) and just order him around and take him on trips. That is really what is best for her. Can’t we find her a straight Cedric?

Garcelle goes over to Sutton’s house for lunch and Sutton Postmates soul food for her; something about that seems offensive, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. I would use my finger to pick up the cornbread, though, and I would not have a glove on like Dorit reaching for a roll at her Almost Pretty Woman an XXX Parody anniversary dinner. Garcelle has a little breakdown talking about her situation with Jax and feeling like she let him down. Sutton, wearing a gorgeous green chunky knit that is half bib half poncho, has the best advice that anyone has given Garcelle yet: “Teenage boys are assholes.” Exactly! This isn’t all her fault. I’m not trying to downplay her guilt, but we all tortured our parents at that age; he just knows this is the most effective way to do it.

Finally, we’re on to Kyle. (I’m skipping the intro to Vegas because it looks like we’re really getting into the thick of it next weekend, and nothing really happened there yet.) She’s having a quinceañera for her daughter Porsha and the rest of the Richards-Umansky clan that they’re currently talking to, so actually, it’s just the Umansky clan. As Estella, Mo’s mom, gets into the house, she asks Kyle, “What is up with your marriage? Every time I check my Google alert for my son’s name, I see all of these rumors that you’re breaking up.” Okay, that is a crazy question, and I would die if my mother-in-law asked me that, but then again, I am not on a reality television program that has been saying my husband has been cheating for years.

That dies down, but at dinner, Estella learns that some of the daughters are getting tattoos. Kyle then pulls her aside and tells her that, yes, she does have a few tattoos. She’s worried about how Estella, a woman who is so Jewish she’s wearing a jeweled Star of David to her granddaughter’s birthday, will feel about the tattoos. (If you don’t know, ink is a big no-no in Jewish culture.) Estella says she doesn’t care, and then Kyle tells her that Mauricio has one too. What?! He does?! We are going to need to know what it is and where it is.

When Kyle breaks the news, Mo is not happy because he says that was his truth to share with his mother the way he wanted to share it. Kyle just thought it was funny, but he didn’t want to talk about it. I get that this is a big deal to him, and it could be a big deal with his mother, but the trailer made this moment look so much worse, so much more sinister. I mean, it’s not good, but it’s not like he will get up from the table and immediately file for divorce. But it does show that the two of them aren’t connected, that, as Kyle says, they’re not on the same page. So Kyle stops talking about it. She lets him have this victory. She goes off into the pantry to get the candles ready for the cake, and as she’s looking for the sparklers among the assorted tea lights and party napkins, the guest cutlery, and the serving platters that only come out for the holidays, Kyle starts to think about all the parties, all the celebrations in this house and others. She thinks of her daughters, most of them here, and her dogs, even the misbehaved ones. The one thing she’s not thinking about is her husband, and that is what finally makes her cry.

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